Portland, the poor man's San Fransisco.

"The Animals Were Gone" - Damien Rice

With the ratio of toothless slack-jawed yokels to uppity snobbish artsy wine-o assholes dangerously in sync with the northern bay of California (the yokels slowly surpassing their counters by a mere 1.3 to 1), i have decided to dub Portland the cleaner hickish San Fransisco. And, yes, I am fully aware that there may be the raised eyebrow or two to my "quick to the draw" label - but there are just way too many opinions flying abouts all over the place. I mean, sure! Portland is WAY fucking cool... but there are so many people trying desperately to keep up with it's coolness, they end up failing miserably. my opinion will more than likely change in the coming days, several times without a doubt.

But seriously, I haven't REALLY been downtown since I got here. I've honestly had NO time. Let me go ahead and run through the "so far":

1. Thursday:
Drove straight from 8:30am to 12:30am and arrive in Eugene, OR - or as I like to call it, "why the fuck would you ever go to school here?-town" (aka Eugene Bible College and other such related classics). The entire TREK was a nightmare of cheap cheeseburgers, stops for gas & assorted gum, and the death choke hold of window lock with a busted ass. Stayed at a hotel, "something Marriot" - it was alright, the beds were shit. I woke up with the worst pain in my back since ever.

2. Friday:
Woke up at 10am and missed out on free continental breakfast but my moms decided on buying us the biggest fattest breakfast at ihop EVER, fucking genius! I had corn cake pancakes, yes. my best friend zoe got a fat spinach and mushroom omelette. the day had started out almost too well, and ended on a high note. We slept at the Red Lion Inn after dropping all our shit off at the new apartment. Did I mention we had shoved all of my shit into my little Lexus? Well, we did -- best decision ever, psyche! it kinda sucked. Did some light shopping at the mall to find me clothes, bought the coolest old school Michael Jackson elephant bells that make me look incredibly large.

3. Saturday:
The day of dawning death. This was BY FAR the worst and BEST Saturday ever. We went HERE which is the worst place to go if you need sleep or anything to do with it. I swear to god, the sleaziest grossest guy you could ever imagine. He was like a car salesman with greasy ass hair and nasty mossy brown crooked teeth and a sinus problem, only he was peddling mattresses? what the fuck man? We ended up going HERE, which was amazing. We got a queen beautyrest, a full ass futon, a beautiful futon mattress, a gorgeous suede cover, 2 big ass long body pillows, a hollywood frame, and peace of mind for only $1389. That's right, in Oregon -- YOU DON'T PAY SALES TAX!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention the sales guy was super nice and very handsome without being too pushy. THEN! While talking about how awesome our purchases were at the mattress place, I said, "oh let me move this seatbelt behind me because it hurts my tits". So no joke, a cop pulls us over about a minute after I had done that and gave me the lecture on seatbelts... it went a little something like this:

ugly neon green cop on a motorcycle: "You know, here in OREGON the law says you have to wear it across your chest and buckled across your lap at all times - and your registration tags are expired."

me: "oh, well I was grabbing something in my bag down here between my legs - my tits got in the way"

-- that's right, i TOTALLY squished my boobs together in an alarmingly informative, yet vulgar, manner.

cop: "here's a fix it ticket - i wont ticket you for the registration, you don't have to pay the fine if you go to this 2 hour class."

me: "thanks." BIG FAT SMILE!

the cops here are gross and ugly, the cops back home at least have that hot mystery color navy blue? black? uniform with the big gold badge that says, "yeah... i can kick your fucking ass, man."

Then spent about 1,000 bucks HERE and put it all away and called it quits for the day. Then I set up my cable wireless and it is freakin amazing.... it's so damn fast!!!!! I'm really loving it.

4. Sunday:
The PLANS for sunday are basically to have a good time and buy THIS and pretty much browse whatever else i need in their CUTE FUCKING STORE.